The inner body image bully.
We’ve all encountered it at some point. The one that ignores the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. For some of us, it makes occasional, brief appearances – unleashing critical body-based 'jabs' here and there - but fortunately fails to have a lasting impact. And for some of us, once that bully finds its way into our thoughts – it grabs on tight, and is determined to stick around.
Like all bullies, the inner body image bully can be vicious, and relentless. It knows exactly what to zero in on to reinforce our body insecurities. It knows how to twist the truth. It wants to dominate us. It takes pleasure in disrupting our life; watching us do anything we can to avoid it, or to appease it. And like many bullies, it becomes more powerful when it can isolate us from the people who love and appreciate us just as we are, and when it can get us to believe its awful words.
And it’s no wonder how easily we can be taken hostage by this inner bully – it has plenty of backup! On a daily basis we are exposed to hundreds, even thousands of advertisements; many centered around 'idealized' beauty. Add to this, the multitude of carefully edited, filtered, and curated images of people that we view on various social media platforms every day. And consider for a moment, the conversations we have with within our own social circles, and how often comments or attitudes about body shape, weight, diets or food come up - and how normalized this talk has become. In fact, I recently heard a radio show refer to their noon hour music line up as “Your zero calorie lunch mix”. This messaging - subtle and not so subtle - is everywhere.
While each of us can play an important role in changing these conversations, the reality is that we also need to find a way to live our lives among these messages, without being swept up or ruled by them. So how can we do this? And how can we stand up to our own inner bully once it has taken hold? Here are 6 helpful practices to get started:
1) FUEL Your Body!
Despite what the inner bully says, and contrary to popular messaging, skipping meals and fad diets, will not lead to lasting satisfaction with your body. In fact, restrictive dieting is more likely to lead us down a path of exhaustion, low energy, dysregulated emotions, and an INCREASE in our preoccupations with food. Restrictive eating also increases our vulnerability to over-eating or binge eating (which by the way, is our body's natural survival response to food deprivation!). And when a binge happens, or when 'diet rules' are broken, it can lead to feelings of shame and guilt - setting the stage for a negative diet cycle, or even the development of more entrenched disordered eating behaviours.
2) Get 'Untangled' from Your Thoughts
Thoughts and feelings are not facts. But when we become completely tangled up in our thoughts, it can be easy to misinterpret them as absolute truth; and to allow them to define us, and to rule our feelings and behaviour.
When we can take a step back from our thoughts though, it allows us the opportunity to notice and observe them with curiosity and without judgment, and it allows us to decide which thoughts to give our attention to, and which ones to let go of. Rather than fighting our thoughts, we can focus on changing the way we relate to them.
One way to get untangled from a thought is to simply notice it. For example, if a person has the thought "I'm ugly" (and believes it as truth and gives it their full attention), they might feel distressed or bad about themselves, and react in ways that are not helpful to them (ie. avoid interactions with others, engage in self-destructive behaviours).
If that same person were to say to themselves "I notice I'm having the thought that I'm ugly", or better yet "I notice I am having a judgment thought about myself" it allows them the opportunity to take a step back, to look at it more objectively, and to get untangled from it more easily.
Does the first statement leave you with a different feeling than the third statement? Consider practicing this with some of your own negative thoughts.
You can find more techniques for getting unstuck from your thoughts here.
3) Be Your Own Best Friend
Chances are, you would never condone anyone talking to your closest friend or loved one the way your inner bully talks to you. Consider some of the nasty insults your inner bully throws at you. What if you overheard someone saying these things to your friend or loved one? Would you agree with the things being said? What would you do? What would you say to your friend or loved one in that situation?
Now imagine doing this for yourself...
It can be easier to show compassion to others than to ourselves sometimes. Buy why? Imagine what would change in your own day-to-day life if you showed yourself the same kindness, encouragement and support that you show to others.
4) Practice Gratitude for What Your Body DOES for you
The inner body image bully has rigid, black-and-white ways of seeing the world and our bodies. It succeeds when it can keep the attention narrowly focused on outer appearance. It does not want you to recognize or celebrate all of the ways your body works for you every day - how your body allows you to live and to participate in those parts of life that are meaningful to you.
Practicing body gratitude could involve expressing appreciation for the fact that your arms allow you to hug a loved one, that your hands allow you to create art, or to play an instrument, or build a sandcastle with your child. It could involve appreciating your legs for allowing you to play your favourite sport. It could include valuing your complex brain and your ability to think and to solve problems. Or it could mean honouring your vocal cords, because you are able make others smile with your singing, or with your humour. These are the things that the inner bully wants you to forget. Consider writing your body gratitude statements in a journal, or adding them to your phone, so that you can keep them in the forefront of your mind.
5) Build a Supportive Environment
Take power away from the inner bully by bringing your own back up!
Nurture positive relationships that remind you that you are valued and appreciated for the person you are.
Think before you click!! When spending time on the Internet or on social media, be intentional about the content your browse - algorithms will send you more of the same. Notice how you feel during or after using certain Apps or social media platforms. Consider eliminating or reducing your time on ones that don't bring positivity to your life. Be intentional, and curate your social media to ensure that you are viewing diverse representations of body weight, shape, and appearances.
Survey your home, work or school spaces - do they contain images that promote unrealistic beauty standards? Are there changes that can be made to make these spaces more body-neutral or body-positive?
6) Honour the WHOLE person that you are
When the inner bully tries to take over, it can be really easy to forget that we are more than just a body, and we are more than our external appearance. To get started, consider:
What are your values? (kindness? honesty? creativity? strong work ethic? education and learning? determination?...). How do you show these in your life?
What are the relationship connections you have in your life? And what roles do you have? (son/daughter, parent, friend, aunt/uncle, cousin, co-worker, neighbour...). What do you bring to these relationships? What do the significant people in your life appreciate about you as a person?
What brings you enjoyment? What are you passionate about? (animals? hobbies? sports? volunteering? traveling?...).
Has the inner bully stolen your time or attention away from any of these things? How can you actively work to re-balance how you attend to these important parts of yourself?
Shifting our mindset and implementing new skills or strategies can be challenging, particularly in the beginning - and this list is no exception. Have self-compassion, and know that you don't have to navigate this on your own.
If you have any questions, or would like to explore working together to break free from your own inner conflict with body-image, reach out! I would be happy to chat, and offer a free 15 minute initial consultation.
Call: 226-668-7296
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